Couples Therapy

”We just argue about the stupidest things … and these fights get way out of hand … then we don’t talk for days. We love each other, but we hurt each other … it’s brutal."

“Stop saying, ‘we need to talk ….’! Right now, I just need my space!”

“I discovered the affair when she left her phone out on the table. And there it was. I still can’t stop checking her email, her texts, her phone log. It feels crazy, but – I mean, how will I ever know that I can trust her?"

"We’ve been married for 30 years, and I don’t know him anymore. We’re friends, and strangers. We did a great job parenting our kids. But we lead parallel lives under the same roof."

I've never liked the phrase, “Relationships are hard work.” I prefer to quote the well-known couples therapist, Dan Wile: Relationships are solutions that create new problems. The “relationship solution” gives us a powerful source of affection and support, a shelter from life’s stresses, and a bulwark against loneliness – A life partner. The “relationship problem”: Our life partners may not always understand what we need, what we feel, what we fear. And we may not always understand what they need, feel, and fear.

When we feel unheard, misunderstood, dismissed, not cared for, or unfairly criticized by the person closest to us, an alarm bell goes off in our hearts, and we react. It’s natural. And our partners will react to this reaction! By the time we react to our partner’s reaction, we’re off and running: we are caught in a cycle – a feedback loop of reactivity driven by our deepest hopes, fears, and longings.

The cycle is a universal couples phenomenon – neither of you is to blame, and neither of you can help getting drawn in. One of you may tend to “snap” loudly; one of you may tend to shut down. One of you may “pursue” for understanding; one of you may “distance” for space. By coming to understand your relationship’s unique cycle, step by step, you can learn to exit it together it before it spins out of control.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is the foundation of my work with couples. It is unique in the safety, speed, and depth it provides, especially in the toughest situations; moreover, its effectiveness has been validated by solid clinical research – something of a rarity in the field of relationship and couples counseling. EFT focuses first on identifying the steps in your cycle – that awful tango you dance every time you fight. It then helps you both to clarify and process the powerful emotions that drive it.

By getting your real feelings across to your partner, you find your voice; by seeing understanding in your partner’s eyes, you experience yourself as understood. By hearing your partner’s real feelings, you experience them in a completely new way. The dynamo driving the cycle: the attachment needs, longings, and fears you each carry into the relationship...formed long ago. These feelings are the basis of your bond – yet are often so hard to express! Again paraphrasing Dan Wile: there is a real conversation hidden in your fights – a conversation that you’ve never had. This conversation emerges in couples therapy – from the true feelings you’ve been unable to get across to one another.

How I work: your first session in EFT relationship therapy.

After we settle in, I’ll invite you both to tell me what it is that brings you my way. The story of your relationship will begin to emerge, and as I listen, I will be tracking your cycle. You’ll notice that I’ll be helping you to slow down, and gently reflecting little observations to you on your emotional process. Soon, you’ll be noticing your process, too. I’ll help each of you get curious about what is going on just beneath the surface – what you’re feeling – and then we’ll begin connecting several dots: what you’re saying and thinking, the feeling you have as you say it, what this feeling tends to make you “do” when you’re in your cycle … and how what you tend to “do” lands emotionally on your partner. Who will then feel something, too … and do something … which lands (emotionally) on you. You’ll also notice that I help you slow you both down and reflect.

I’ll also help you get curious about some of the feelings that arise for each of you … and begin to clarify them. We’ll take stock of how it is to hear this from your partner / feel this? We go back and forth in this way until we make emotional connections that allow you to hear something new – and see some aspect of the relationship in a new light. (“So – wait! - when I turn on the television … you feel lonely for me?! I thought you were just angry at me!”)

At the end of each couples counseling session, I will get your feedback: What was your experience overall? What’s your takeaway? Is there anything you feel I missed? What felt on target? Are we going in the right direction? Your feedback is essential to our success.

Infidelity counseling

Many couples come to me in the aftermath of an affair, wondering whether it is possible to recover. The pain is excruciating. Once the shock has diminished, the partner who is the “discoverer” may feel:

Existentially confused, lost

Betrayed, trust-shaken, and uncontrollably compelled to check the partner’s emails, texts, phone

Jealous

Abandoned

Devalued

Suddenly enveloped in loneliness

Filled with rage and outrage that seem to have nowhere to go.

The person whose affair has come to light may feel:

Existentially guilty or ashamed

Unable to face the partner, or the pain they have caused the partner

Angry at the partner for not “moving past it”

Doubly angry due to partner’s new habit of compulsive “snooping”

Self-punishing or self-destructive

Afraid of speaking, saying the “wrong thing”, causing more pain

Compelled to speak, explain, reassure

Unentitled to have or express any feelings

Yes, you can recover. It’s a process. It takes time. And it’s my job to make it safe, fruitful, and enlightening – by pacing you, by helping you each to feel your feelings clearly, voice your feelings deeply, and metabolize what you hear from one another.

Something caused a disconnect in your relationship – this disconnect was no one’s fault, but a part of your cycle.

The discoverer of the affair needs to express the pain they are experiencing, and the partner who had the affair needs to take this in. I help you each to bear this. The partner who had the affair needs to understand the nature of the “disconnect” that led to the affair, and express the emotional freight of this to the partner. And I help you each to bear it, and find your bond. My “patient” is your relationship – and so I am a faithful support to each of you in the process.

The impact of infidelity on the relationship can feel existential. In a sense, it is the end of an era in your relationship – an era marked by a kind of innocence. And there is grief, because this is a terrible loss. However, it can be the beginning of a new era, characterized by new understanding, new awareness, new strands in the bond that connects you, and new wisdom. Every day, couples repair and renew their bonds in the wake of an affair.

Perhaps you have a few questions. Fire away! Skeptics especially welcome.

My wife and I have communications and conflict-resolution issues: do you treat this?

I hear you! But generally, “communication” or “conflict resolution” problems are the day-to-day experience of an emotional disconnect in the relationship. It’s a frustrating symptom, and often what bring couples to relationship counseling. I do reflect your verbal communication to you – but I also connect it to what drives it (your feelings in the cycle). I think this approach to communication is more effective than treating surface-level symptoms, and has greater impact on your ability to connect.

My spouse isn’t on board for marriage counseling. Can I come on my own?

Sometimes it’s possible to effect change in a relationship through individual therapy, but we’d want to understand how this very situation – your taking the responsibility for effecting change for the two of you – may reflect your cycle. Ultimately, your spouse or partner’s participation in treatment is your best bet for success. For more information, see my Resources page: Dan Wile’s After the Honeymoon is designed for use by those whose partners are reluctant to come in for relationship therapy.

I’m very skeptical about therapy – especially marital and couples therapy. Doesn’t over-talking and all that blah blah blah just destroy the magic?

As a dyed-in-the wool skeptic, I think I understand how you feel. And I think I get what you’re saying about the magic: some things are sublime, and don’t deserve to be analyzed, or over-analyzed. But think about what brought you to this page. Was it the sublime and ineffable? Or was it something that’s troubling you in your relationship? Usually, it’s the latter, and that deserves to be illuminated and understood.

I hope this couples counseling page has been informative. I’ve crafted it to give a reliable sense of me – how I think, how I work, and even how I sound. If it resonates with you, so may my approach.

Any questions? Feel free to call me at 917-446-1683, or contact me here. I provide a free consultation by phone or HIPAA-secure video platform.